Shards of Paranoia
by Kimberley1
Summary: Kathryn is alone in her room


Title: Shards of Paranoia br  
Author: Kimberley ( mistressskitty@hotmail.com )br  
Rating:Rbr  
Summary: Kathryn's in her roombr  
Authors Note: Papercut is by Linkin Park and I don't own them either, although I wouldn't mind owing Chester and Mike:)  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Cruel Intentions. brpbr  
  
  
~Why does it feel like night today?br  
Something in here's not right today.br  
Why am I so uptight today?br  
Paranoia's all I got left~brpbr  
  
He was going to her tonight, Kathryn paced her lavish bedroom. The clicking of her heels against the floor the only sound in the large home. Walking over to the window that looked out over the city, the dark haired young women checked to see if Sebastian had arrived home yet. Something inside of her didn't feel right, was he on his way to winning the bet? Laughing harshly Kathryn walked over to her bed and lay down, all this worrying was getting her no where, and there was no way he was going to win against her. She wouldn't allow it!brpbr  
  
~I don't know what stressed me firstbr  
Or how the pressure was fed / butbr  
I know just what it feels likebr  
To have a voice in the back of my head~brpbr  
  
Closing her eyes against the onslaught of pain and weariness she got whenever she thought of the two together. Raising fists to her eyes in an attempt to block everything around her out, she could still hear them, taunting her, messing with her head, raising up on her bed she ran her manicured fingers savagely through her hair, no respect for the damage it could cause. He was with her…that Annette girl, a sound almost like a growl left her throat as she stood and began to pace yet again. The voice taunting with each step. He's with herbrpbr  
  
~It's like a face that I hold insidebr  
A face that awakes when I close my eyesbr  
A face watches every time I liebr  
A face that laughs every time I fallbr  
[And watches everything]br  
So I know that when it's time to sink or swimbr  
That the face inside is hearing me / right underneath my skin~brpbr  
  
Still pacing, the girl walked over to the large mirror that hung on the wall across from her bed. It was a huge gold thing. Expensive and classy, everything she was brought up to be. She turned and looked at herself hard in the mirror, she did this everyday, took a couple of minutes just to look. She didn't know why, maybe it was because every time she looked she found something else she didn't like. Herself. No, the image in front of her wasn't herself, the pale gaunt girl wasn't her. She hated this mirror. But it hated her, she could see it laughing at her, the cruel features that stared back at her was laughing, an evil grin on a small face. Raising her fists she hit the glass with all her might, a scream threatening to leave her throat. He still wasn't back.brpbr  
  
~It's like I'm / paranoid lookin' over my backbr  
It's like a / whirlwind inside of my headbr  
It's like I / can't stop what I'm hearing withinbr  
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin~brpbr  
  
Soon her fists began to throb with the pressure she had been hitting the glass. Cradling the bruised flesh to her chest she looked back into the flawless mirror, not a crack or smear could be seen. Her legs grew heavy and she watched herself fall to the floor. He's with her now opening her mouth wide she let the scream leave her throat, the sound echoed through her silent room, she screamed until her throat was hoarse, and her face was covered with tears. Your going to lose pulling at her hair she begged the voices to stop, let her have a bit of peace for a while. He's going to win she pulls harder on the brown strands. Pain quieted them for a minute. A minute was good enough. brpbr  
  
~I know I've got a face in mebr  
points out all my mistakes to mebr  
You've got a face on the inside too andbr  
Your paranoia's probably worse~brpbr  
  
Hearing the front door open, she looked at her appearance, her eyes widened as she pulled her fingers away from her hair, stray strands clinging to her nails and flesh. Pulling the offending items away and flinging them away like they were made of fire, she stands on shaky legs and smoothes her clothes as best as she can. He can't see her like this. No one can, she doesn't look in the mirror as she grabs a brush and combs her hair. She holds the brush with an intensity that causes the bruises on her hands to throb even more. He can't see her like this. He would probably enjoy knowing she felt pain. That she wasn't as strong as him. Wasn't as good as him. Did he think like this with her. Probably, laughing harshly she finished brushing her hair, thinking how stupid she sounded, of course he thought about it. He was just like her. Like each other. brpbr  
  
~I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't standbr  
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter isbr  
I can't add up to what you can but~brpbr  
  
"Kathryn" He's saying her name, she has to see him, show him she is still in the game, she will. Her eyes avoid the mirror as she makes herself comfortable on her bed. "Come in". Watching the door open she pastes a smile on her face as he enters the room. Sitting back on her hands she watches as he walks over and makes himself comfortable on her bed, a large smile never leaving his face. "You seem to be in a good mood". His smile widens as he looks down at her "I am" He won her smile falters a bit as the implications of his statement hit her in the stomach he won. "So I assume you've come to make some arrangements?" her hand reaches for his crotch. His body moves and with confused eyes she watches as he stands "Some other time" His smirk angers her, and she rises to her feet to stare at him "Excuse me!" laughing he heads to her door and slowly opens it "I'm not in the mood". Clasping a glass in her tiny hand she looks back at him "I want to fuck!" "Well I don't!" The glass shatters against the door as he closes it. He wonbrpbr  
  
~Everybody has a face that they hold insidebr  
A face that awakes when I close my eyesbr  
A face watches every time they liebr  
A face that laughs every time they fallbr  
[And watches everything]~brpbr  
  
She hears the front door open and then close again as he leaves. Looking at the shards of glass at her door she rushes to the window and watches as he gets into his car and drives off. Anger fills her small body as she watches her prize drive off. Turning to the door she walks over and looks down at the broken glass that's your life. She gets down on her knees and slowly picks up the pieces. She finds a large piece and picks it up, running her finger along the edge, she watches with satisfaction as it slices through her skin, leaving a trail of blood behind, it stains her skin and the glass. Standing up she walks towards the mirror and looks again at her face. No it isn't her face. That cant be her face. He's won everything, what have you got A sob leaves her throat, raising blood soaked hands, she runs them down the mirror. The usual cleanliness of the thing marked and smeared in red. She notices with a sad smile how much it clashes with her room. The ice queen room. That's what she was. An ice queen stuck in her castle. She hears the laughing again and cringes as it rings in her ears. The blood runs through her hair, matting the silky strands together. You have nothingbrpbr  
  
~So you know that when it's time to sink or swimbr  
That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin~brpbr  
  
Pushing hair out of her eyes she looks up into the mirror and screams. She screams for what seems like hours, days even. When she stops she finds herself covered in glass and the mirror shattered. The face is gone But the voices are still here she scratches at her head, the voices grow louder. Her sobs quiet as her gaze falls on a shard of the glass, with shaking fingers she lifts the shard and fingers the sharp edge It would be so easy Her gaze falls on the skin of her wrist, she smooth, so soft and so thin Only a second. Raising the shard she places it against her skin, the coolness of the glass chilling her heated flesh. She stares at the carpet as the stain grows with each drip. The colours spreading quickly over the lightly coloured floor like a disease spreading. She's surprised to find her tears have stopped. Her eyes feel heavy, is she tired? She must be, it's been a long day Where you lost. She smiles as she realises this is for the best, she doesn't lose. Kathryn Merteuil never loses. brpbr  
  
~The sun goes downbr  
I feel the light betray me~brpbr   
  
Her head falls limply against her chest, her hair tickles her nose but she doesn't have the energy to move it. She can see out her window, the sun is setting, he's probably coming home soon. She wants him to be the one to find her. Let him deal with it. A small sigh leaves her mouth, a laugh would take too much effort. She imagines the door opening and someone yelling her name, her lips turn in a smile. "Kathryn…. What the hell have you done!" Her eyes try to open, this isn't real, he can't be here. He's too soon. "Kathryn, you got to hold on", she can feel him lifting her. He's too soon. She weakly struggles in his arm as he places her on her bed. "Kathryn…wake up for me…. I need you to stay awake…why did you do this" her eyes slowly open and all she can see is him. "You're too soon"brpbr  
  



End file.
